All Quiet on the Western Front

Luciano del Chiesa von Boscombe Seafront was a-ffronted inasmuch as he had a front which showed him little or no respect.  The A front, (which he feels is paradoxically also his Seafront, which he sometimes refers to as his C Front in order to distinguish it from his A front (i.e. his seafront), although frankly I believe this to be an unnecessary distinction as it is the seafront which he feels most affronted by and to that extent the A and the C (or Sea) Front are elements of the same closed, albeit somewhat abstract conceit), is in fact merely metaphorical.

Luciano del Chiesa von Boscombe Seafront has dismissed this criticism as mere ‘E Front-ery’. Ironically, given his usual and murderously pedantic attitude towards such trivial distinctions, he has somehow failed to notice the confusion which inevitably ensues.

An E Front clearly presupposes the existence of a W Front, an S Front and an N Front. Let us assume, topically, that All is Quiet on the W Front; that there is no latter day Ludendorff skulking in the wings of 21st century history, poised to launch some arbitrary blitzkrieg upon the all too willing, but hopelessly naïve Herbert Burden’s of our age.

The other E front, or more precisely, the Middle E Front is clearly an ongoing disaster and has been so for the last 65 years. The Front E Front has been partially pacified as far as the W Front is concerned ever since the deconstruction of the boundary between the E and W fronts in 1989 although according to Luciano we cannot afford to become complacent about the Front E Front given the A Fronts perpetrated in 2008 by the old E Front. It is for this reason that the outgoing Luciano is persisting in his E Front defensive deployments although one cannot help but wonder how convenient the summer’s events have been in this respect.

The Far E Front continues to make its presence felt E-co-logically and Demo-graphically in the sense that its evident lack of Demo-cracy contributes directly to our own sense of A Frontery (although, in passing, should you attempt to initiate a Demo about the other A Front which is in the Middle E Front you might find that local attitudes towards Demo-cracy are similarly terse).

This leaves us with an intractable problem, to wit, the S and N Fronts. It is the intractable nature of these specific Fronts which has led to some commentators suggesting that LucianodelChiesa von Boscombe Seafront is A nut. An obvious variation on this perspective is that he is simply a latter day C Nut who seeks to command the waves in the grip of an absolutist and delusional fantasy. And this would in fact bring us full circle were it not for the fact that we are now Con-Fronted with the S and N fronts referred to at the front of the current paragraph.

Let us see if we can resolve this simply because otherwise we shall be obliged to do it the other way. As with all A Frontery it generally makes sense to minimise the effects of polarisation (and of course these are nowhere so apparent as in the distinction between the S and N fronts, or in a more metaphorical sense, in the Middle E Front). Our best device is to bring about the occlusion of these Fronts although the resulting Occluded Front (or ‘O Front’) is in no sense intended to imply that a Warm or Cold front have or ever had any meaning in this context. This would be inadmissible except perhaps in the context of a new Cold Wart or, god forbid, a Hot Wart with reference to the old E/W Front divide. Having occluded our S and N Fronts in their respective E and W hemispheres, bearing in mind that the concept of a hemisphere is merely a device for establishing an arbitrary front between any two equal segments of a sphere which in sum represent the total sphere, we find ourselves back where we started.

I was afraid this was going to happen and now in fact it has.

There is no way around this problem. We shall have to take the other route, something which could have been avoided had the first A Front not been conceived in the first place, but try telling Luciano del Chiesa von Boscombe Sea Front this! He is apparently oblivious to the conundrum which now besets us all. This has all the hallmarks of a new 60 year Hot Wart. Bearing in mind the viral nature of Warts, such a prospect is bleaker than an occluded front on a December day on the old E Front.

Had Luciano del Chiesa von Boscombe Seafront simply accepted the inevitable and not put on a front we could all be resting easy in our beds. Instead we feel obliged to assume the role of Front runner in the ongoing controversy. It has long been apparent to us that LucianodelChiesa von Boscombe Seafront has not learnt the lessons of history. We allude not to the ancient Nordic monarch (see above) but to the obvious Napoleonic and Hitlerian precedents. To wit, you cannot fight a wart on two fronts. And yet, this is precisely what is being attempted right now. Once again we find ourselves governed by those who would have us hold back the tide of history just as Luciano and Cnut attempted to hold back the tides which were and are in the thrall of a greater force than humankind has the wit to command.

Of course the central issue here is NOT the Seafront, nor any other kind of front. The central issue is ‘del Chiesa’ (you might want to consult your English/Italian dictionary at this point).

I appreciate the strong feelings this may provoke but until we regain control of such sentiments we cannot hope to hold back tides or indeed anything else. The attempt to coerce a tide of feelings based on beliefs ‘del Chiesa’ (of whatever denomination) is doomed to failure and in fact will always make the problem worse. This is none other than Newton’s third law of motion applied (incongruously) in a metaphysical context. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. The greater force we apply the greater the resistance. To do so on one front is pointless. To do so on two fronts is rank stupidity, on a par with shooting the 17 year old volunteer, Herbert Burden. Until we accept responsibility for controlling the things which we can control (e.g. our own dysfunctional beliefs) and abandon the notion that we can ‘control’ the things which we cannot control (other people’s dysfunctional beliefs), we shall continue to diminish our capacity to influence the dysfunctional beliefs of anyone at all.

The Wart on Terry has never really been a wart on all fronts but a façade hiding a second face full of hideous warts and warped beliefs of our own making. As long as we continue to back two fronts (or one) we simply reinforce the intractable back-to-front aspect of the whole global control misconception. It is time to abandon such futile attempts to command the waves and to drive the would-be ‘commanders’ into the sea themselves.


  1. Make a list of any affronts you are still feeling resentful about. If you are not feeling resentful about any affronts go to the back and wait until you have A front to bring to the front.
  2. Jettison any beliefs which are not useful to humanity as a whole irrespective of whether you believe they are true or not.
  3. Adopt a new set of beliefs which are more useful. Preferably some  which are inclusive and forgiving rather than a façade masking a face full  of hideous warts.
  4. Send a copy of this newsletter to your local MP and camp out in  your Front-garden to await the post.
  5. When the post arrives run a flag up the post declaring your new inclusive beliefs and take action to implement these beliefs in a manner which  allows others to implement theirs. Please ensure that you only attempt to  implement that which is within your direct control or you may find yourself losing influence where it really matters.

Luciano Al Quae-dada von Boss Bomb Seafront is approximately 1 million years old and thus far, like his cousin, appears to have learnt absolutely nothing.

Let us hope that Back-to Osama Obama is less enthusiastically Back-to Front than his predecessors.

One thought on “All Quiet on the Western Front”

  1. Key Facts

    Erich von Ludendorff – German General during 1st world war; subsequently advocated total war in which he said all resources of a nation should be mobilised towards war and that peace was merely an interlude between wars.
    Herbert Burden – signed up for the British army during 1st world war at the age of 16 and was shot for ‘cowardice’ at the age of 17. In answer to the question, ‘on whose behalf are you here?’ I often reply to myself, ‘I’m here on Herbert Burden’s behalf, to live the life he was denied’.

    The A Fronts perpetrated in 2008 by the old E Front – the Russian invasion of Georgia in 2008.

    C Nut – a reference to King Cnut, King of England from 1016-35 who is said to have attempted to command the waves to cease crashing upon the shore.

    A wart on two fronts – at the time this was written the UK was still involved in both Iraq and Afghanistan.

    del Chiesa- Of the church.

    The Wart on Terry – the war on terror, so-called.

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